Yesterday was the first day of my kids-free six days.
When my mother called up early in the morning to ask me how I was feeling I had just one word for her – quiet.
And that was a huge relief, considering that 24 hours ago I was on the verge of a panic attack.
Because two hours before we were due to start for the airport to drop off the kids, we found that my daughter’s mobile phone was not working. We spent the next half an hour troubleshooting and trying to make it work. Eventually, since we were working on an inflexible schedule, we switched SIM card with my work mobile to get things moving.
The next 30 minutes were spent in logging into her Google account, which was tricky since first she did not remember her password and then the screen of her own mobile was not switching on. It felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong at that moment but finally we were delayed just by 15-20 minutes.
The only thing that kept me going was the this thought: Thank God the mobile had stopped working at home, and not after they had entered the airport!!
Now coming back to my mom’s call. It was around 7 a.m. when she had called, a time when either the kids have gone to school or during holidays sleeping. Typically it is quiet at that point of time in the house. Everyone is sleeping, no service providers around, no doorbells ringing and nothing except the birds chirping to distract me.
But still, the calm that I felt yesterday was at a different level and I was forced to accept that it was more at a mental level that physical. My mind was not busy in the background thinking about meals to be prepared, drop times to be managed, clothes to be washed, mobile times to be monitored and more, so I had more mindspace for other things.
As the day progressed, I felt the kids’ absence. More so my younger one because she’s the one who is fiercely independent but still wants me around her, readily available for whatever she wants me for, right from bouncing story ideas and playing Scrabble to getting her a glass of horlicks!
The trip back from Airport
While returning from the airport I suddenly had a very anxious moment.
Out of the blue.
My heart clenched and heartbeat increased. Next moment I could feel my heart beating wildly out of my chest, scared for the kids’ safety and well-being. After a few minutes, it passed, without anyone getting to know, but the episode left me drained.
Who decides what I do
I realized that I have allowed kids to dictate the structure of my day in a big way. In fact, their needs have a priority over my own when it comes to organizing a day and prioritizing as well as planning the day’s tasks.
This might be necessary when the kids are very young and cannot fend for themselves but as they grow and they become their own person we still have to be around taking care of them but according to their personality, their needs, their desires, their wishes, and that is where we just keep getting caught up and get involved more and more.
I remember, when my first daughter was an infant I waited for her to grow up so that I would have more time to myself. Since it was my first child I had no idea what growing up meant and that every six months it would feel as if the earlier period was much easier to handle. As kids grow and start moving around and making their own decisions, the chances of things going wrong and them getting hurt increases manifold. A child cannot scrape a knee when it is tucked safely in your arms but they can very well fall and get hurt when they are crawling or using a walker or running or playing.
As a parent we have to learn to let them go but it is easier said than done. Because our days, our existence revolves so closely around kids that it becomes near impossible to separate.
How to keep occupied
On Monday I was taking suggestions about what movies and web series were worth watching. And also brainstorming things to do in the evenings, which would be quite free. These are the things that made way to my journal yesterday:
- restart Numbers Don’t Add Up book 2; it has been on hold since April, when I went for the marriage.
- watching a couple of web series or movies
- finish the Intro to Psychology course on Coursera
- shoot a video or two when there are (two) less distractions around.
Last evening I ended up finishing week 4 of the course. I think there is some connection when your mind is less occupied because I scored 100% on my quiz, which was a first for me.
Lessons from Day 1:
Kids take up lots of headspace.
I need to find out if it is because their routine is such or because their accepted behavior dictates this or because my behavior encourages them. I will keep comparing what I typically do every hour when kids are there and what I am doing when they are not. I think the data collected over six days should be enough to give me patterns and decide the future course.
